Your Guide to ‘Good’ Grief 😭

There is a terrible thing that awaits us all. Anyone fortunate to live long enough and be born into a loving family, have meaningful life experiences, and to deeply love others will, in fact, know the anguish and suffering of loss.

Grief is a strong, oftentimes overwhelming, emotion of deep sorrow. At the root of grief is a sense of loss – whether it’s the death of someone they love, a divorce or fracture of an important relationship, a miscarriage, or a terrible diagnosis (loss of health, staring death in the face). What’s left? The abrupt, raw wound is the tremendous absence felt from a loved one’s physical death, or the end of a dream about living ‘happily ever after’.

While we aim mostly to look on the bright side of life (also, an excellent Monty Python Life of Brian song), when someone close to us recently passed, we knew it was time to address the part of life that is The Suck – the 50% that isn’t ‘good’ but is the price we all pay for being here in life. When you’re feeling zombiefied by grief here are some Q+A’s and ways to help you cope:

Do I have to go through grief? Can’t I just skip it somehow? There’s got be a ‘hack’ for this…

The importance of participating in your grief and actually feeling your emotions is that it 1. allows healing to occur and 2. doesn’t compound the issue by adding on over-eating, over-drinking, or over-whatever-short-term-pleasure-actually-hurts-you-in-the-long-run.

It’s a choice: willingly enter the heart-rending, swamp of difficult emotions knowing it’s part of your path forward to healing OR try to avoid and numb-out with food, work, or alcohol only to STILL have to go through the swamp AND now there’s extra weight or a burdened liver carried on with you.

How long does grief last?

Grief is tricky. You might think to yourself “oh, I haven’t cried the past two days, I guess I’m moving on to the next stage to get out of this mess”…but NOPE, grief will pop up out of nowhere and sock you in the nose. It could be song you hear while driving in the car, a phrase you heard your loved one say, a random memory, even an annoying commercial…and you’ll find yourself in tears once again. Expect the unexpected.

Grief isn’t linear and it’s not just five stages. You’ll likely bounce from denial to regret, confusion to despair, anger to bargaining, trying to accept to depression…over the course of months or even a single day. Grief is not a race you can run and be done with. Accepting that simple fact will probably do more for your mental health than trying to force your way through it.

As Dodinsky said, “Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow – it is not a permanent rest stop.” Onto entering the ‘sad swamp’ and tips to guide you through your grief:

1. Listen to your favorite sad songs. Our brain thumbed through some old CD racks in a dusty corner of our hippocampus and served up a song we hadn’t heard since 2002 – Do you Realize by the Flaming Lips. We were promptly reduced to tears. Very apropos; thanks brain.

2. Allow yourself to cry. You’re not a robot and neither are we. “Tears have a wisdom all their own…They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery.” – F. Alexander Magoun

3. Hydrate. It’s time to take very basic care of your physical body right now. There’s a good chance that in this stage you’ll feel like you’re plodding through heavy storm clouds. Don’t forget that you’ll need to replenish your body with water on a regular basis; set alarms if you need to.

4. Read mournful poems. In our brief research, we found a plethora of poems for every occasion of loss. Heartbreak over a romance ending? The loss of a parent, sibling, or child? Check out poets from Robert Frost and W.H. Auden to Rumi. In some ways it’s really comforting to know others have been through what you’re going through since time immemorial.

5. Eat comfort food. Not too much. Try to get a plant in there every once in awhile. This is a paraphrase/ parody of Michael Pollan’s rules for eating, but seriously, food is an important part of our culture and our memories. Making your Italian nonna’s meatball recipe, with extra cheese, might just be one of the most nourishing meals for your aching soul. Maybe it’s the candy bar you and your bestie shared back in elementary school days. Go for a bit of comfort food and maybe add in a vegetable somewhere in your day.

6. Let yourself sleep. Staying up until the wee hours of the morning, looking at photographs of your loved one or watching Netflix might be exactly what is needed for a night or two, but if your kids are still waking up at 7am to go to school, the 4 hours of sleep you got probably won’t be enough to help you mentally, or physically, get through the day. Being sleep deprived + a bundle of raw nerves = more easily cracking the emotional wound wider or snapping at others. Be gentle with yourself and allow extra time for sleep and rest.

7. Anchor yourself in nature. The lovely person we, and the world lost last week, had an amazing garden. Each family member took time meandering around the yard, or sitting in her favorite outdoor chair, and observing the life that she had engendered and mothered. Hiking or walking in a local park can be a soothing, if temporary, balm for grief. Nature helps to ground us all and reminds us that, while none of us can escape the seasons of life, can anticipate and try to work within them.

8. To work or not to work? That’s a good question. Only you’ll be able to answer it for yourself. Some people go right back into work because they feel they can’t take time off; others might use it to distract from the pain. One of our missions in life is to help others heal and have whole, healthy lives so, for us, working our ‘magic’ in coaching clients is rather cathartic. It’s an anti-dote to the external circumstance outside of our control: we may not be able to help the recently deceased but we *can* help the living.

9. Beware the second arrow. One of the teachings of stoicism (and Buddhism) is to not suffer twice. The first arrow – death, heartbreak, illness- causes pain and is often outside of our control. The second arrow – anger, regret, anxiety – causes suffering and this is a choice. Mindset work and challenging typical stories “if I had one more day with her” actually can help a lot here.

10. Clean. Or don’t. This is another tricky situation. While most of us feel better in a freshly tidied up and vacuumed environment, this may not be a time where even any cleaning gets done. While we were spending 13-hour-days in the ICU last week, all we could really do when back at home was to try to make a quick meal and load/unload the dishwasher. That was enough. Now, especially with needing to declutter and maintain the home of the person we lost, on top of our own, the balance needs to shift. It’s a season. Bottom line: if it makes you feel better to exert some control over your environment, clean til your heart’s content; if you are super-fatigued and burnt out, give yourself a few days without cleaning (or ask a friend/hire someone).

11. Let friends and family help you. Many of us Americans are taught to be independent, individualistic and self-reliant. An additional layer to those in the helping professions is that often they have the hardest time accepting help. And so it is with us. Some of your friends will jump right in with emotional and tangible support. They will offer or insist upon providing: homemade soup and cookies, gift cards for meal delivery from your favorite restaurant, tactical decluttering or clearing out of the deceased’s house. Other friends will probably flounder a bit with the “right thing to say” or how to support you. That’s okay, you’ll probably need to think of an option – “hey, I could really use a hike and a hug. Let’s meet next week” or “can you tell me what steps you took to clean out your aunt’s house when she died?”

12. Get in touch with a bereavement counselor or therapist. People who are trained to be great listeners can help you tell the story of what has happened, explore the complexity of your grieving feelings, and offer a hand to help you back up to face a new reality after loss.

You’re not alone. We all enter the sad swamp at various times in our lives. Take care of yourself, ask for help (professional, if needed), and we’ll all float on alright.

3 Tips & The Summer Slowdown 🐌

Being more of a ‘pitta’ type, according to the ancient science of Ayurveda, our fiery, driven nature has often been amplified by the hot summer season. With the energy of a squirrel possessed, we would run around, overwork, explore and adventure, and constantly be Doing. This year has been different, even strange, in a way. We know something crucial: stacking heat – such as intense exertion in high temperatures – can lead to heat stroke or even burnout. With the latter, we’ve been there before and never want to go back. What to do? Instead of speeding up and pushing the speedometer to 120 mph without rest, we’ve challenged ourselves to exit off the highway of hustle culture and slow down.

Has it been easy? Heck no. Resisting the urge to avoid our feelings and inner lives by salsa dancing, overwork or keeping endless social commitments has had rather dire consequences for our mental and emotional health (not to mention physical). If you too have been feeling a bit burned and frayed around the edges, join us in putting the brakes on. Here’s how:

Increase Downtime & Rest

Most mornings we have an intense exercise class and, though the kinetic energy can continue for hours, we tend to get sleepy in the early afternoon. In past years, we would have dosed up on some sugar, coffee, or chocolate to keep going. Not only that, but the critical voice in our head would have shoved us back into productivity. We’d hear: “You don’t have time – there’s too much to do! Rest later!” Luckily, age has come with wisdom as well as discernment of lies and truth. Now, we give ourselves permission to rest or nap for about 20 minutes. How might want more downtime look and fit into your life? Here are some ideas:

• Take a break in the middle of the day for ‘tea time’ – even iced tea and a few moments to connect eye-to-eye with your kids, your partner or even your dog
• Give yourself the gift of an earlier bedtime
• Transition yourself from work to home life by taking a short walk or a few deep breaths with your eyes closed
• Create a bedtime routine you enjoy
• Read a favorite, relaxing book with some hot tea in the evening
• Give even just 5 minutes of meditation a try, any time of the day, to get re-centered

Monitor your Mental Health & Bring back Joy

If recent news about mass shootings, gun and abortion laws have you rattled, maybe don’t add to it with local, constant news about burglaries or random acts of violence. Also, good news may not make the headlines the way fear does but there are many kind & thoughtful people in this world working for positive change. Consider the thought that there is no such thing as the ‘good old days’ because every period in history has had its positive advances and its social ills. We are all here now so let’s do the best we can to improve our environment and foster community & connection while we hurl through the galaxy together on spaceship Earth.

Do you know what joy is? Where does it live in your life? So many of us are not sure how to answer that question these days. It’s worth exploring and pondering what brings you joy as it adds an element of ‘juice’ to your energy tank. Joy can put a bounce in your step as you run errands and be a buffer against the storms of life. Whether it’s playing soccer, baking, writing calligraphy, dancing, oil painting, playing with pets or children, see how it might be possible to add a little bit of joy-generating activities to your life.

Inner Healing

We saved the most challenging, and yet most rewarding, for last. It’s a fact: our past experiences can and do influence who & where we are in the present. While we needn’t spend all our time in what some would call the ‘basements of our minds’, visiting traumas and slights you’ve experienced can help explain how the old beliefs established back in the day are playing out today. Whether that’s numbing out with food or alcohol, acting out in anger or rage, distracting with ‘busy’ activities, or a myriad of other ways, we often have no clue where we picked up these deeply-embedded and unhelpful coping mechanisms. We love the title from Sarah Wilson’s book First, We Make the Beast Beautiful which comes from a Chinese proverb about conquering a beast (e.g. bad habit, anxiety, etc) by deeply engaging with it. The aphorism has been apt during the past month while we’ve been digging back into a self-healing therapy modality whose exercises have brought us into profound inner connection and understanding. Be forewarned: inner work can be mentally and emotionally exhausting & may require the assistance of a therapist.

Before we all know it, autumn will be here – not just with its pumpkin spice everything, but with harried school preparations and planning for holidays. Take a moment, a few hours, days or a month to slow down in whatever way feels best for you. We promise that ‘productive’ rest (not laziness – here’s a refresher on the difference) and recovery will allow you to speed up once again, this time with a sense of rejuvenation.

3 Ways to Regain Life Balance ⚖️

If you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, pressed for time, and stressed, join the club! Only a minority of people report feeling peaceful, equanimous, and blissed out these days. The good news is that you can take a step in that direction and reap a bunch of benefits. Here’s how:

1. Identify what’s important to you, your mindset, and what throws you off balance. Once you identify your values and your non-negotiables, you can simplify and cast off the unimportant to-dos. Maybe rainbow-organizing your pantry and linen closets are a “nice to have” but family time is more of a priority right now. In terms of mindset – have you noticed how some people seem relaxed and carefree as they go about their duties while others seem rattled with the same amount of work? Leading a calmer and more peaceful life often has to do with our personal experiences, belief systems, and coping mechanisms…all of which influence our mindset and our thoughts. By changing those, we can change our behaviors and results.

Consider what throws you off-balance. Is it a last-minute request to participate in your child’s extracurricular activity? The pressure you put on yourself every year to balance not just work but with making each holiday or birthday ‘perfect’ for your family? Or does getting inadequate sleep cause you to feel easily rattled the rest of the day? There is a well-established link between our emotional state and our physical one. By adopting a more peaceful mindset, we can avoid chronic diseases and live longer.

2. Know the signs of an imbalanced life and burnout. Symptoms include headache, sleep disorders, anxiety, tense and stiff muscles, and digestive woes. The stress we’re under can contribute to poor immune function, focus and memory. It can also be detrimental to fertility and sex drive and even accelerate the aging process. Noticing these symptoms early in your life can help prevent you form sliding into burnout or into chronic disease states.

3. Add + subtract. We’re going to let our inner nerd out a bit as we reveal how much we loved stoichiometry and balancing equations in high school. Without complex chemistry and math, just imagine playing with weights on a scale – add another stressor to one side and notice how the beam shifts, especially if there aren’t enough restorative activities in the other scale pan. Here are some ideas to find your own balanced equation:

Emotional Ice Cream

It starts at a young age with associations we can’t remember making. But by this point in our short lives, we have engineered quite a few if-then connections.

If I throw my food on the floor, then mommy will be upset.

If I behave while at preschool today, the teacher will give me a sticker.

Perhaps there was a time where you fell, scraped your knee and began to cry because of the pain and shock. Maybe an adult offered you a lollipop to help cheer you up. Bam! Neural pathway made: “okay, so when I feel hurt, eating sweets is an acceptable solution”

Fast-forward decades years later and it’s still going on. A difficult conversation with your boss or spouse become an excuse, albeit mostly unconscious, to indulge in some ice cream. A night out drinking with friends is a ‘reward’ for a hellish, stressful week. And it’s OKAY to treat ourselves, but there’s a distinct mindlessness involved in emotional eating. Very few people think to themselves, “boy do these feelings hurt, perhaps I’ll eat enough chocolate chip cookies to squash them down.” And yet that unconscious belief can be at play, creating patterns that are deeply ingrained.

What to do?

The first step is awareness.

Perhaps the next time you find yourself reaching in the freezer for ice cream, ask yourself why you think you’re doing it. Perhaps you’ll reflect upon your day and remember that your boss assigned a short deadline for your next project, you’re completely overwhelmed by responsibilities, or that your mother-in-law criticized your parenting. Ice cream can seem like a balm for these ‘ouch’ moments, but there is more shame than comfort at the bottom of a pint of rocky road. Even if you find the answer to your question, you may not be able to change the behavior just yet. That’s okay. It’s something we can work on together; schedule your complimentary 20-minutes Discovery Call to get started.