How to Talk with Kids about Eating Disorders

Collage piece, circa 1998

Inside and outside of school, there are many pressures on children and teenagers to look or act a certain way. It’s hard to be aware of, and control, what they are exposed to – whether on social media or in their friend groups- but here’s a question & answer guide to facilitate conversations with your child.

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1. Why is it important to talk to your child about eating disorders?

It is important to talk with your child about eating disorders as a precautionary measure. It will help them build awareness of their own eating habits and to notice if it starts to swing into disordered eating. They may be able to help identify peers or friends who may also need help.

2. Should you have these conversations only if you’re concerned or just in general? Why or Why not?

There are two sides to this. By starting a conversation and saying that sometimes people starve themselves, over-exercise, or purge in order to look a certain way, a child may pick up on that as a valid way to change the way they look. Conversely, the conversation, including the detriments of eating disorders (e.g. on dental, bone, reproductive, or psychological health – even the risk of death) may help them stay on a healthier path with their eating.

3. Some parents may be concerned that talking about eating disorders will put the idea in their head or make a situation worse? Is that a legitimate concern?

[See above]. For some children, it can plant a seed in their minds to try unhealthy eating behaviors in order to lose weight. A child, depending on age and disposition, may also rebel against the parents by doing the opposite of what they suggest and become entrenched, or further entrenched, in disordered eating. It would be very appropriate, and perhaps necessary, to bring in a more neutral third party, perhaps a therapist or registered dietitian, to educate the child about disordered eating and its effects.

4. Should parents talk about how to approach eating from a healthy place or give any advice?

It’s always best for parents to model healthy eating. I’ve heard too many stories from my clients about how their disordered eating started because their mom was on a diet and always talked about how “fat” she was or how dad would eat “whatever he wanted” and then run it off. Children model after and emulate their parents, for better or worse. Talking about eating from a healthy, positive place can definitely help. If the child is open to advice, you can offer it, but I would suggest letting them ask questions to get engaged in the conversation, versus delivering a lecture.

5. What should parents know about talking about eating disorders?

Just like other topics – including sex education, personal finance, healthy relationships – it’s likely to be an ever-evolving conversation, not a one-and-done deal. Making the child feel safe, by being approachable and providing support, is probably the most important factor in getting them to trust you and participate in these important conversations. Pull in an expert for questions you don’t know the answers to or for a more neutral, objective advisor to counsel your child on their feelings, the way they eat, and more.

6. How do they start a conversation in an age appropriate way?

Most parents are aware of their child’s maturity level and understanding of various topics. Meet them where they are. Just as you wouldn’t give a five year old child a blow-by-blow account of what happens during a birth, explaining the tax benefits of a Roth IRA, or explaining narcissitic or borderline personalities when talking about building friendships in kindergarten, you’d want to match their level of understanding by simplifying the conversation and making it appropriate to what they need to know at this stage of their development.

10 Things I Hate About You 😠

We’re not referring to the 1999 movie, loosely based on Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew, though it’s a fairly timeless movie. We also don’t hate you; in fact, we are quite fond of you…but are you fond of yourself?

Today, we’re bringing to light negative self-talk, the ways in which we show unkindness or even hatred toward ourselves. Have you ever thought…

1. Ugh! How do I weigh this much? I hate my body!

2. No wonder no one likes me. I’m so boring.

3. I give up. I can’t do this.

4. Sooner or later, I always mess up anyway.

5. You’re such a fat loser, how could you eat a second piece of cake?

6. Here we go again, me and my ‘thunder thighs’ won’t get to wear shorts this summer.

7. Others won’t like me. They’re better than I am.

8. I’m not good enough. I have to strive to be perfect and please everyone else.

9. What’s the use in trying? I’m not worth it.

10. How could you have said something so stupid? You’re such an idiot.

Each of these statements has been a part of the soliloquy playing through a person’s head. Many of them are universally shared.

Sometimes the saying “you are your own worst enemy” is very true. Most people can name 10 ways in which they hate themselves easier than they can list their positive qualities. Here’s the twist: if we are capable of being our own worst enemies, then we are also able to be our own best friends. Don’t expect your inner dialogue to change overnight though, these conversation patterns will need to be disrupted and then practiced.

How to transform negative self-talk

1. Start with awareness – “oh, I just had a thought that I always mess up” and gently probe to see what triggered the thought: “I got scared because my co-worker asked me to use new software to run reports and I don’t know how.”

2. Label the thought and evaluate it to see if it’s even true. If so, you can choose another thought that is also true on for size. Practice this, it likely won’t immediately replace the negative self-talk.

3. Sometimes you have to go into neutral before moving into the positive thoughts and affirmations. Otherwise, the chasm between what your brain believes is true (the negative “you’re a fat slob”) and the thoughts you’re trying to adopt (the affirmation “you are a beautiful goddess”) will be too great to cross. So, instead of trying to move from a thought about hating your body to loving your body, you may need to focus on the neutral fact that you have a body.

4. Give your brain a duty – it could be to search your memories to find 3 times in your life when you were most proud of yourself for overcoming adversity or to seek out 5 things you appreciate about your body. When you give your mind a job, like code in a program ordering the computer to find a file, it will do it.

Have your HATED yourself into Weight Loss?

Chances are, you’ve likely used the disgust and the fury of hating your body as the fuel to starve and beat yourself into losing some weight. Instead of 500-calorie deprivation diets and over-exercising, there is another way…

Curious to see how you can love yourself into a healthier lifestyle and happier body?

Check out Lose the ‘Quarantine 15’ this Quarter; it’s not a competitive, bootcamp-style program. It’s a group training and coaching program designed to help you build a better relationship with yourself, your body, and with food.

It’s not just focused on weight. We have metrics we’ll be tracking for body composition, tips to improve sleep and digestion, along with organizational tips for your time and home so you’ll make time for self-care and have handy essentials available to make quick and delicious meals.

Have more questions or want to get acquainted before grabbing your seat? Schedule your introductory “Ready to Lose the ‘Quarantine 15’ – let’s talk!” call. We’re happy to answer questions and help ensure that this program is a great fit for you and your needs.